keep awake during meetings, how to

meetings bore the crap out of you? discussions with dull lifeless mannequins causes you mental suicide attempts? dialogues with overweight government people causing you to fall asleep while you are falling asleep? then worry no more kind people, for i, bloodlet the incredible, the incredibly well endowed, the incredibly handsome one with large hands is here to provide some tips on everyday living on how to survive death-blow meetings like the ace that i am. but blood, some of you are whinging, what if we cannot emulate the greate blood? what is to become of us? who will bed us now? fear not, kind ladies, these tips apply to all. thats right. all. so sit back, put up your feet, pull yourself closer to the monitor and read on ... (wipe your hands and thighs after you're done)

(a) play: bingo with balls - this is an easy game. each time you think of a pair of testicles, shout out loud: BALLS! if you're a girly girl then you may want to say it softly but in a forceful manner, like *whisper* balls! *whisper*.

(b) paperclip wonder - sharpen several paper clips, (about 200 - 300 pieces) open them and poke one end into the cushion of your seat so that the sharpened end points outwards. now gently lower your plump posterior onto the rows and rows of sharpened paper-clips ala bed of nails. as your flesh is slowly but inevitably invaded / penetrated by the paper clips, wriggle your buttocks abit to acclimatize to the pain and the drawing of blood. as you are well seated, each movement, each subtle expression on your face will light up your eyes like a million candles! never will you ever be sleepy again. of course, you may want to visit the clinic after this, as rusty paper clips can cause lock jaw.

(c) picking nose - nose picking, or deep nostril mining is an art. some use the little pinkie, others use the index finger whilst there are a few who uses both thumb and their toes to enter and retrieve them brown soft spongy nuggets of fun. during a boring meeting, start digging (set a time to it) and see how big a pile of boogers you can compile and balance on the side of a  ball point pen without it tipping over. if frustrations overcome you, mash them all up into one big ball of moist green/brown stuff, then instead of snacking on them (i know, it is tempting), flick it at the chairman of the meeting. aim for his mouth. when he/she is talking. give yourself 100 point if it enters the mouth. and 1000 points if he / she chews it, smiles then swallows it.

(d) the seduction game - this one is easy-peasy. get into the meeting room at least 5 minutes earlier, shut your eyes so that you will not know who the person is that will sit beside you. cover your ears as well as you will not hear his / her voice. when someone does eventually sit beside you, with your eyes still shut, smile at him / her. then say in a low, slurry voice "wanna play with me and my fingers? hmm? i wanna play with you and YOUR fingers. hmm." then still seated, gyrate your hips in a seductive manner with both your hands clasped behind your neck and your face turned away as if high on life and good sensations. if he / she response in a positive manner, snap open your eyes and shout out loud "holy moley its the fat one! get away from me your disgusting fat person! fat people disgust me! go away and be fat somewhere else please! some one help me!" if the person is not fat, choose other less appreciative features: such as baldness, ugliness (protruding teeth with thick glasses can categorically be deemed ugly), shyness. then quickly leave the meeting room.

(e) the pants game - this one is even easier. bored of meetings after meetings after meetings? the next meeting enter the room without pants / skirt. if people stare, look down at your legs act surprised then exclaim to yourself loudly "now where did i put the penis enlarger pump?" not only will you be greeted with much boisterous back slapping and appreciative giggles and envious looks from rival colleagues, but you will also be seen as a hero. why? because heroes dare do the impossible.

(f) the pointing game - if you thought the pants game was easy, this one is even more dead easy. without saying one word, walk into the meeting room, choose a fattish block, stand in front of him and just point your finger at him without moving a muscle. your head must be turned away as if repulsed by the subject matter of your pointing finger. if people start to ask why, simply shake your head and without your other hand, clamp your nostrils with thumb and forefinger thereby implying that the fat person is both repulsive AND smelly. then walk out sharply never to return. later on the day, approach the fattish person and say that it was all a misunderstanding, that you now understand why he is what he is and that there are clinics willing to help him overcome the problem.

fatty-sissies, how to stop picking on

 i know i've been insensitive and rough to our gravity-challenged, feminic-enhanced brothers. i'm sure many such beautiful individuals are hurt by my cutting words and cruel japes. and i know many have contemplated sending me a comment at the bottom of each entry telling me to stop it or they will cry. i know all this and today, yes today, i will put up a list on everyday living on how to stop picking on the league of the fatso-fairies. the list is long, the list is short, the list does not discriminate nor does it encourage hate crimes. the list is after all, just a list.  but the list is also a means of my apology to the population that has, for years, provided us the occassional giggle, the occassional comment such as: i may be broke, but at least i aint fat and poofter-like. phew!

so here we go (btw - overweight nancy boys can also read once they've stopped sniffling, crying and whining in an annoying nasal lispy manner):

(a) imagine them in positions of power - thats righ, as assistant head guy of arranging the napkins at expensive restaurants such as mcdonalds and wendys, or as ... the second assistant to the office manager (for office stationary supplies specialising in staplers and getting paper clips disentangled) or as ... head flower arranger of large wedding shops in the display section specializing in roses and occassionally carnations ...  once you imagine them with such heavy responsibilities, your opinion of them will change and that they will cease to be the source of your daily gigglings;

(b) imagine them in a frank discussions with politicians - on world issues such as: the fate of migrating geese during winter; the effect of planting roses and then leaving them to grow wild without pruning them. at night; the poor state of the petting zoo section of the local shopping mall; the high cost of battery units for those small buggies you find at golf clubs; and, the concerns of parents for the safety of their child's pet during the holidays (cats and dogs excluded). not only will you see them in a new light, but you will also acknowledge the fact that hey, they're not silly people after all! they can be taken seriously! oh wow.

(c) imagine them fighting with their fists - now this would require equipment and some visual effects. and a voice-over dubbing needed during the actual fight. not only will you see them in tough action, but you can also understand that the flabs under their arms and their jiggly man-tits are actually weapons of self-defence. this display of physical bravado will enchant some girl somewhere. i think.

(d) imagine them being witty and brilliantly conversive in a posh social gathering whilst smoking a cohiba cigar looking calm and collected - hmm. okay, you just can't. i'm sorry. next.

(e) imagine them having a beautiful girlfriend who loves them unconditionally, withouth the exchange of large wads of sweaty bills - this imagining would of course, require you to undergo psychiatric treatment and maybe shock therapy because doctors the world over will tell you that fantasies such as this is really super hard to achieve because how can you imagine something you've never seen, considered or even played around with in the deepest darkest recess of your brain.

in love, what not to do when you are

ah love. the sensory-heightening sensation; the spine-tingling emo-rollercoaster; the genital-tickling washing-machine ride; the pants-tightening twirling dervish. love; thy name alone causes men to become sissy boys, women to become ho's and others in between to do a brazilian buttock spread wax. twice. such is the wonder of love, thy name is folly. but love does not come easy no it does not. it comes with a price, a price to be paid both as you enter its wonderous world and as you exit it. there are certain things that you should do, and some that you should not do. but why love,  blood? some of you are saying in a whiny, nasal sissy-girly manner, why are you talking about love? for you are a great fighter! fighters do not need love, they need only to fight! ah ... but that is where you are wrong kind followers and disciples, fighters too need love. but alas, today's tip on everyday living is not on what to do when you are in love, but what NOT to do when you are in love. read on gentle readers, and limit the strokes to long, slow strokes and not fast rapid ones. unless you have a box of tissues handy.

(a) dont fart - tho farting may be charming and sometimes affectionately cute between long term couples, as we all know women just love the smell of a warm fresh fart from their man, for newly dating couples, this might not exactly work. but if you really do have to fart, make it rip real loud. none of those squeaks emanating from your butt cheek. make it loud and thunderous. if she leaves on the spot, then she was never one for you. if she stays, then you know will be ready to be bedded by you. its simple mathematics.

(b) dont be too early - most men wrongly believe that women like their dates to be on time because that would show seriousness and punctuality. however, the truth is the opposite. women whose dates comes on time, or even earlier will know that such men are sissy nancy pretty boys who are afraid to show their women that there is no such thing as being on time, there is only one time and that is the time of the man to come as and when he pleases. women will appreciate this type of manliness because they know their man will do as he pleases. and as we all know, women love men who love to do as they please.

(c) dont be an intellectual sissy boy - talking too much about 'important intellectual' things will give the woman an impression that you are a sissy pretty nancy boy with strapped in man tits. talk instead of other women who you have successfully bed, even though it may not be true. this will most definitely get you to bed them within the next 2 hours. why? only because 'important intellectual' things are subject matters of men with small penises, and, women dont understand 'important intellectual' things. they prefer you talk about movies, your female conquests and of course, the sound of you burping and farting.

(d) dont just look at her face - look as well at her cleavage, down her dress and especially when she bends over to pick up your wallet you accidentally drop (which also contains several packets of rubbers letting her know without telling her what you hope to get) look at her butt and make appreciative whistling noises and comments. as we are all too familiar with the women's psychie, women just love men to stare at their bodies because that is why the lingerie, perfume, make up, and other womanly stuff items is a one big giant money churning industry. they want you to stare, they want you to drool and of course, they want you to want their bodies. why else would they wear sexy clothes?

(e) dont date women's lib lezzies - unless they have a sister and they dont mind three'ing it. then all that lib lezzie talkie stuff will not be such as bad thing. but honestly, do you really want to date women with unshave pits and moustaches? no you dont, because you dont want people to laugh at you. and they will smell.

(f) dont let the woman pay for the first date - this is true because if you let them pay for the first date you will inadvertently sign over the use of your testicles over to them thus allowing them to walk all over you. it is crucial that you show who is boss and why it is that the boss wears the pants which contains the pair. so even if you dont have the money for the first date, either cancel it or borror / steal the money. that way you will have control over your woman and the woman will love being under your control because that is what man-woman relationship is all about.

(g) dont be too pretty - only women are allowed to be pretty. men should look like men and not like perfumed pansies. leave that stubble, ruffle that hair and let the sweat soak through that shirt. women love men who are men and not women-wannabes. men should not be in competition with women in the pretty-ness department. so be damned all those male beauty therapy treatments, to hell with male facial sessions and skin toning. this will only make sense to sissy boys who are dating other sissy boys.

(h) dont be nervous - women generally do not accept nervous men to be their conquestor. they prefer their men to be in control and men in control are never nervouse. so laugh out loud, burp, fart, scratch groin/genitals and most importantly end each conversation with a leer and your eyes wandering all over her body. she will know you want her and this makes her hot for you.

fatty-sissies, the real truth about

not everyone is sensitive; not everyone appreciates the pain of loneliness, the sorrows of individualism the horrors of collective ridicule. not everyone truly understands the real truth about, and the plight of .... overweight effiminate fairies AKA fatty sissies AKA light-in-loafers-jumborinas. lets say one day you're about to eat a large dripping with fat sirloin steak, just you're about to sink in your teeth into the juicy, squirting piece of cow, when an overweight effiminate fairy AKA fatty sissy AKA light-in-the-loafers-jumborina happily cycles by on a small tricycle without a care in the world tweaking his tricycle bell with one hand vigorously rubbing his left nipple with the other, wrongly believing he looks cute, adorable yet strangely erotic. naturally the first thing that would happen to you then is that (a) you'd swallow the sirloin steak whole without once chewing it; (b) you'd have a fork with that dripping sirloin steak and (c) you'd pass out from sheer horror and / or fear. however, that need not happen all the time. in fact it may not happen at all if you only knew what fatty sissies are all about, understood their INNER soul, appreciated how talented and funny, and witty and intelligent they truly are inside, how insightful they can be about the new showroom displaying bathroom tiles, that they too have feelings just like everyone else. strange but true. so for today, uncle blood will share with you, tips for everyday living, on the real truth about fatty sissies. sit back, unclench that member, unclench that piece (ring) and read on ...

(a) fatty sissies have names - strange as it may sound, fatty sissies do actually have names apart from 'hey-you-fatty-sissy!'. some of them may even still have parents who have not abandoned them, left the state and changed their own names, address and undergo face transplant. the names may vary, of course. some are called gary, some are called keong, some are called abu, and of some are called wendy. a guy called wendy is not that strange when you think about it. in fact, it can be pleasing and amusing given a near death experience. so yes, fatty sissies do have names, so if you happen to  be cornered by one, one dark day, instead of running away breathless with fear, just stay awhile, breath in deep and ask in a clear manner 'what is your name fatty sissy?'. they will glow with the appreciation of their individualism.

(b) fatty sissies have dreams - impossible as it sounds, fatty sissies also have dreams. and i'm not talking about the kind of dreams you'd normally associate with fatty sissies such as being the winner of a beauty and cake eating contests. no, they too have aspiration, they too desire a life of beauty and tolerance and occassional sex without the need for overhead crane harness. they too have HOPES and FEARS. so the next time a fatty sissy starts to talk about their dreams, listen, because you may learn something. or not. it doesnt matter. the only thing that matters is that they dont accidentally trip and fall on you. heavily perfumed fatty sissies all wet and sticking falling on you is not very nice and comfortable.

(c) fatty sissies do want to lose weight - no, its true. not all fatty sissies deliberately choose to be fat and effiminate. yes, some of them even want to be thin and not sissy-like. like james bond. (okay, hahaha. that was a joke. i was only kidding). yes, fatty sissies have made some attempts to not eat that much because by eating alot, and wearing see-through shirts does by category, make them fatty sissies. so if you do see a fatty sissy running about anywhere, they are not chasing you or your loved ones, but may in fact, be trying to JOG. i know the oxymoron boggles the mind, but not everything is impossible!

(d) fatty sissies need love too - your eyes do not deceive you. it is true. fatty sissies with french lace collars too, want to have someone to love. and, yes, someone who loves them back. without the need of a threatening garden tool and a large amount of money. because, unusual as it sounds, fatty sissies too would like to explore the mysterious landscape that is DESIRE and maybe, if they're belly can be tucked in (somehow), the joys of SEX. i have even seen documentaries on this where the documentator openly admitted that he has had a conversation with a close friend of a fatty sissy that they need a GIRLFRIEND.

relevant, how to remain

old people, like cheese and fatty-baldies, still have a reason for existence. small and sometimes wit-based, they too are relevant in the tiny universe that is their life. so if you happen to be down in the dumps and you need that special pick-me-up-squeeze-me-hard-and-jiggle-me-up-and-down-in-a-pull-up-pull-down-motion-until-i-scream-in-pleasure-or-pass-out-from-lack-of-oxygen, then you need to be reminded that shit yes, YOU ARE RELEVANT. even if you really are not. but thats besides the point. if only because, like uncle  blood here always like to remind the less inclined, you are only if you are, even though you may not. so here goes, tips on everyday living on how to remain relevant:

(a) for the bosomy-man-tit-jiggling masses: you are relevant if you give people pleasure. and of course, we all know that laughter IS a form of pleasure. so pick up that white board marker, draw circles around your jiggly man-tits (giving the impression they are EYES), draw a clown-like 'cute' nose below the said man-tit 'EYES', and draw a gaping mouth SURROUNDING your inverted belly button. of course remember always to dig out all the muck from said navel as the spilling of much during your 'relevance period' is a clinically wrong thing to be imposed on the unsuspecting public. once you're all done, walk down a busy street (on coming traffic would be wonderful) strip off your shirt (or man-blouse) and start gyrating, jiggling and clasping the darkish pointy portion of your man-tit (aka as AURIOLES) and twiddle it between thumb and forefinger. laughter should ensue, if not attempted vehicular-homicide, i.e. death by being run over by cars.

(b) for the baldy masses: you are relevant if you provide safety-hazard services to the general public. ever had the urge to urinate in public but was too shy to ask people because you're a faltering, pimply-faced, protruding-front tooth sissy-boy with a name like boboy or fifi, then you would need someone to 'TELL' you without actually 'TELLING' you. how is this possible? how can this be done? and how does it involve shiny baldy slap heads? simple take a whiteboard market and carefully draw an arrow (either pointing left or right, depending where you stand and face)on the generous portion of your bald spot (it helps if it is big and wide then your arrow can be three-dimensional) with the words "TOILET" beneath it. this will alert the masses on the whereabouts of the nearest loo. of course, you have to keep still and not move about. especially if you happen to be fat and ungainly and slightly effiminate, as that would be funny, but scary at the same time.

(c) for the chronically hairy butthole'd: of course some of you will think 'how is this possible? how can a chronically hairy butthole'd person ever be helpful in this day and age? doesnt he / she knows such a thing as garden shears? or even sulfuric acid?' aha. this is where you are dead wrong. chronically hairy butthole'd people can be relevant if they know how. which is this: remember how unpleasant if can be to be driving along one day when suddenly on the road you see not one line disecting the road between coming and going, but TWO lines because some street planner was too lazy to clean off the earlier street lines? now that can be erased literally with the chronically hairy butthole'd - slap some thinner between the butt, and get the CHB guy to rub his CHB along the street thereby effectively erasing the earlier street lines. all will be happy. all will then drive easily. thanks to the CHB (chronically hairy butthole'd) who is still relevant.