old people, like cheese and fatty-baldies, still have a reason for existence. small and sometimes wit-based, they too are relevant in the tiny universe that is their life. so if you happen to be down in the dumps and you need that special pick-me-up-squeeze-me-hard-and-jiggle-me-up-and-down-in-a-pull-up-pull-down-motion-until-i-scream-in-pleasure-or-pass-out-from-lack-of-oxygen, then you need to be reminded that shit yes, YOU ARE RELEVANT. even if you really are not. but thats besides the point. if only because, like uncle  blood here always like to remind the less inclined, you are only if you are, even though you may not. so here goes, tips on everyday living on how to remain relevant:

(a) for the bosomy-man-tit-jiggling masses: you are relevant if you give people pleasure. and of course, we all know that laughter IS a form of pleasure. so pick up that white board marker, draw circles around your jiggly man-tits (giving the impression they are EYES), draw a clown-like 'cute' nose below the said man-tit 'EYES', and draw a gaping mouth SURROUNDING your inverted belly button. of course remember always to dig out all the muck from said navel as the spilling of much during your 'relevance period' is a clinically wrong thing to be imposed on the unsuspecting public. once you're all done, walk down a busy street (on coming traffic would be wonderful) strip off your shirt (or man-blouse) and start gyrating, jiggling and clasping the darkish pointy portion of your man-tit (aka as AURIOLES) and twiddle it between thumb and forefinger. laughter should ensue, if not attempted vehicular-homicide, i.e. death by being run over by cars.

(b) for the baldy masses: you are relevant if you provide safety-hazard services to the general public. ever had the urge to urinate in public but was too shy to ask people because you're a faltering, pimply-faced, protruding-front tooth sissy-boy with a name like boboy or fifi, then you would need someone to 'TELL' you without actually 'TELLING' you. how is this possible? how can this be done? and how does it involve shiny baldy slap heads? simple take a whiteboard market and carefully draw an arrow (either pointing left or right, depending where you stand and face)on the generous portion of your bald spot (it helps if it is big and wide then your arrow can be three-dimensional) with the words "TOILET" beneath it. this will alert the masses on the whereabouts of the nearest loo. of course, you have to keep still and not move about. especially if you happen to be fat and ungainly and slightly effiminate, as that would be funny, but scary at the same time.

(c) for the chronically hairy butthole'd: of course some of you will think 'how is this possible? how can a chronically hairy butthole'd person ever be helpful in this day and age? doesnt he / she knows such a thing as garden shears? or even sulfuric acid?' aha. this is where you are dead wrong. chronically hairy butthole'd people can be relevant if they know how. which is this: remember how unpleasant if can be to be driving along one day when suddenly on the road you see not one line disecting the road between coming and going, but TWO lines because some street planner was too lazy to clean off the earlier street lines? now that can be erased literally with the chronically hairy butthole'd - slap some thinner between the butt, and get the CHB guy to rub his CHB along the street thereby effectively erasing the earlier street lines. all will be happy. all will then drive easily. thanks to the CHB (chronically hairy butthole'd) who is still relevant.