bloodlet's Xanga

keep awake during meetings, how to

Tue, 30 Jan 2007 03:06:50 GMT

meetings bore the crap out of you? discussions with dull lifeless mannequins causes you mental suicide attempts? dialogues with overweight government people causing you to fall asleep while you are falling asleep? then worry no more kind people, for i, bloodlet the incredible, the incredibly well endowed, the incredibly handsome one with large hands is here to provide some tips on everyday living on how to survive death-blow meetings like the ace that i am. but blood, some of you are whinging, what if we cannot emulate the greate blood? what is to become of us? who will bed us now? fear not, kind ladies, these tips apply to all. thats right. all. so sit back, put up your feet, pull yourself closer to the monitor and read on ... (wipe your hands and thighs after you're done)

(a) play: bingo with balls - this is an easy game. each time you think of a pair of testicles, shout out loud: BALLS! if you're a girly girl then you may want to say it softly but in a forceful manner, like *whisper* balls! *whisper*.

(b) paperclip wonder - sharpen several paper clips, (about 200 - 300 pieces) open them and poke one end into the cushion of your seat so that the sharpened end points outwards. now gently lower your plump posterior onto the rows and rows of sharpened paper-clips ala bed of nails. as your flesh is slowly but inevitably invaded / penetrated by the paper clips, wriggle your buttocks abit to acclimatize to the pain and the drawing of blood. as you are well seated, each movement, each subtle expression on your face will light up your eyes like a million candles! never will you ever be sleepy again. of course, you may want to visit the clinic after this, as rusty paper clips can cause lock jaw.

(c) picking nose - nose picking, or deep nostril mining is an art. some use the little pinkie, others use the index finger whilst there are a few who uses both thumb and their toes to enter and retrieve them brown soft spongy nuggets of fun. during a boring meeting, start digging (set a time to it) and see how big a pile of boogers you can compile and balance on the side of a ball point pen without it tipping over. if frustrations overcome you, mash them all up into one big ball of moist green/brown stuff, then instead of snacking on them (i know, it is tempting), flick it at the chairman of the meeting. aim for his mouth. when he/she is talking. give yourself 100 point if it enters the mouth. and 1000 points if he / she chews it, smiles then swallows it.

(d) the seduction game - this one is easy-peasy. get into the meeting room at least 5 minutes earlier, shut your eyes so that you will not know who the person is that will sit beside you. cover your ears as well as you will not hear his / her voice. when someone does eventually sit beside you, with your eyes still shut, smile at him / her. then say in a low, slurry voice "wanna play with me and my fingers? hmm? i wanna play with you and YOUR fingers. hmm." then still seated, gyrate your hips in a seductive manner with both your hands clasped behind your neck and your face turned away as if high on life and good sensations. if he / she response in a positive manner, snap open your eyes and shout out loud "holy moley its the fat one! get away from me your disgusting fat person! fat people disgust me! go away and be fat somewhere else please! some one help me!" if the person is not fat, choose other less appreciative features: such as baldness, ugliness (protruding teeth with thick glasses can categorically be deemed ugly), shyness. then quickly leave the meeting room.

(e) the pants game - this one is even easier. bored of meetings after meetings after meetings? the next meeting enter the room without pants / skirt. if people stare, look down at your legs act surprised then exclaim to yourself loudly "now where did i put the penis enlarger pump?" not only will you be greeted with much boisterous back slapping and appreciative giggles and envious looks from rival colleagues, but you will also be seen as a hero. why? because heroes dare do the impossible.

(f) the pointing game - if you thought the pants game was easy, this one is even more dead easy. without saying one word, walk into the meeting room, choose a fattish block, stand in front of him and just point your finger at him without moving a muscle. your head must be turned away as if repulsed by the subject matter of your pointing finger. if people start to ask why, simply shake your head and without your other hand, clamp your nostrils with thumb and forefinger thereby implying that the fat person is both repulsive AND smelly. then walk out sharply never to return. later on the day, approach the fattish person and say that it was all a misunderstanding, that you now understand why he is what he is and that there are clinics willing to help him overcome the problem.

fatty-sissies, how to stop picking on

Thu, 18 Jan 2007 02:54:11 GMT

i know i've been insensitive and rough to our gravity-challenged, feminic-enhanced brothers. i'm sure many such beautiful individuals are hurt by my cutting words and cruel japes. and i know many have contemplated sending me a comment at the bottom of each entry telling me to stop it or they will cry. i know all this and today, yes today, i will put up a list on everyday living on how to stop picking on the league of the fatso-fairies. the list is long, the list is short, the list does not discriminate nor does it encourage hate crimes. the list is after all, just a list. but the list is also a means of my apology to the population that has, for years, provided us the occassional giggle, the occassional comment such as: i may be broke, but at least i aint fat and poofter-like. phew!

so here we go (btw - overweight nancy boys can also read once they've stopped sniffling, crying and whining in an annoying nasal lispy manner):

(a) imagine them in positions of power - thats righ, as assistant head guy of arranging the napkins at expensive restaurants such as mcdonalds and wendys, or as ... the second assistant to the office manager (for office stationary supplies specialising in staplers and getting paper clips disentangled) or as ... head flower arranger of large wedding shops in the display section specializing in roses and occassionally carnations ... once you imagine them with such heavy responsibilities, your opinion of them will change and that they will cease to be the source of your daily gigglings;

(b) imagine them in a frank discussions with politicians - on world issues such as: the fate of migrating geese during winter; the effect of planting roses and then leaving them to grow wild without pruning them. at night; the poor state of the petting zoo section of the local shopping mall; the high cost of battery units for those small buggies you find at golf clubs; and, the concerns of parents for the safety of their child's pet during the holidays (cats and dogs excluded). not only will you see them in a new light, but you will also acknowledge the fact that hey, they're not silly people after all! they can be taken seriously! oh wow.

(c) imagine them fighting with their fists - now this would require equipment and some visual effects. and a voice-over dubbing needed during the actual fight. not only will you see them in tough action, but you can also understand that the flabs under their arms and their jiggly man-tits are actually weapons of self-defence. this display of physical bravado will enchant some girl somewhere. i think.

(d) imagine them being witty and brilliantly conversive in a posh social gathering whilst smoking a cohiba cigar looking calm and collected - hmm. okay, you just can't. i'm sorry. next.

(e) imagine them having a beautiful girlfriend who loves them unconditionally, withouth the exchange of large wads of sweaty bills - this imagining would of course, require you to undergo psychiatric treatment and maybe shock therapy because doctors the world over will tell you that fantasies such as this is really super hard to achieve because how can you imagine something you've never seen, considered or even played around with in the deepest darkest recess of your brain.

in love, what not to do when you are

Fri, 24 Nov 2006 01:19:23 GMT

ah love. the sensory-heightening sensation; the spine-tingling emo-rollercoaster; the genital-tickling washing-machine ride; the pants-tightening twirling dervish. love; thy name alone causes men to become sissy boys, women to become ho's and others in between to do a brazilian buttock spread wax. twice. such is the wonder of love, thy name is folly. but love does not come easy no it does not. it comes with a price, a price to be paid both as you enter its wonderous world and as you exit it. there are certain things that you should do, and some that you should not do. but why love, blood? some of you are saying in a whiny, nasal sissy-girly manner, why are you talking about love? for you are a great fighter! fighters do not need love, they need only to fight! ah ... but that is where you are wrong kind followers and disciples, fighters too need love. but alas, today's tip on everyday living is not on what to do when you are in love, but what NOT to do when you are in love. read on gentle readers, and limit the strokes to long, slow strokes and not fast rapid ones. unless you have a box of tissues handy.

(a) dont fart - tho farting may be charming and sometimes affectionately cute between long term couples, as we all know women just love the smell of a warm fresh fart from their man, for newly dating couples, this might not exactly work. but if you really do have to fart, make it rip real loud. none of those squeaks emanating from your butt cheek. make it loud and thunderous. if she leaves on the spot, then she was never one for you. if she stays, then you know will be ready to be bedded by you. its simple mathematics.

(b) dont be too early - most men wrongly believe that women like their dates to be on time because that would show seriousness and punctuality. however, the truth is the opposite. women whose dates comes on time, or even earlier will know that such men are sissy nancy pretty boys who are afraid to show their women that there is no such thing as being on time, there is only one time and that is the time of the man to come as and when he pleases. women will appreciate this type of manliness because they know their man will do as he pleases. and as we all know, women love men who love to do as they please.

(c) dont be an intellectual sissy boy - talking too much about 'important intellectual' things will give the woman an impression that you are a sissy pretty nancy boy with strapped in man tits. talk instead of other women who you have successfully bed, even though it may not be true. this will most definitely get you to bed them within the next 2 hours. why? only because 'important intellectual' things are subject matters of men with small penises, and, women dont understand 'important intellectual' things. they prefer you talk about movies, your female conquests and of course, the sound of you burping and farting.

(d) dont just look at her face - look as well at her cleavage, down her dress and especially when she bends over to pick up your wallet you accidentally drop (which also contains several packets of rubbers letting her know without telling her what you hope to get) look at her butt and make appreciative whistling noises and comments. as we are all too familiar with the women's psychie, women just love men to stare at their bodies because that is why the lingerie, perfume, make up, and other womanly stuff items is a one big giant money churning industry. they want you to stare, they want you to drool and of course, they want you to want their bodies. why else would they wear sexy clothes?

(e) dont date women's lib lezzies - unless they have a sister and they dont mind three'ing it. then all that lib lezzie talkie stuff will not be such as bad thing. but honestly, do you really want to date women with unshave pits and moustaches? no you dont, because you dont want people to laugh at you. and they will smell.

(f) dont let the woman pay for the first date - this is true because if you let them pay for the first date you will inadvertently sign over the use of your testicles over to them thus allowing them to walk all over you. it is crucial that you show who is boss and why it is that the boss wears the pants which contains the pair. so even if you dont have the money for the first date, either cancel it or borror / steal the money. that way you will have control over your woman and the woman will love being under your control because that is what man-woman relationship is all about.

(g) dont be too pretty - only women are allowed to be pretty. men should look like men and not like perfumed pansies. leave that stubble, ruffle that hair and let the sweat soak through that shirt. women love men who are men and not women-wannabes. men should not be in competition with women in the pretty-ness department. so be damned all those male beauty therapy treatments, to hell with male facial sessions and skin toning. this will only make sense to sissy boys who are dating other sissy boys.

(h) dont be nervous - women generally do not accept nervous men to be their conquestor. they prefer their men to be in control and men in control are never nervouse. so laugh out loud, burp, fart, scratch groin/genitals and most importantly end each conversation with a leer and your eyes wandering all over her body. she will know you want her and this makes her hot for you.

fatty-sissies, the real truth about

Tue, 21 Nov 2006 02:42:29 GMT

not everyone is sensitive; not everyone appreciates the pain of loneliness, the sorrows of individualism the horrors of collective ridicule. not everyone truly understands the real truth about, and the plight of .... overweight effiminate fairies AKA fatty sissies AKA light-in-loafers-jumborinas. lets say one day you're about to eat a large dripping with fat sirloin steak, just you're about to sink in your teeth into the juicy, squirting piece of cow, when an overweight effiminate fairy AKA fatty sissy AKA light-in-the-loafers-jumborina happily cycles by on a small tricycle without a care in the world tweaking his tricycle bell with one hand vigorously rubbing his left nipple with the other, wrongly believing he looks cute, adorable yet strangely erotic. naturally the first thing that would happen to you then is that (a) you'd swallow the sirloin steak whole without once chewing it; (b) you'd have a fork with that dripping sirloin steak and (c) you'd pass out from sheer horror and / or fear. however, that need not happen all the time. in fact it may not happen at all if you only knew what fatty sissies are all about, understood their INNER soul, appreciated how talented and funny, and witty and intelligent they truly are inside, how insightful they can be about the new showroom displaying bathroom tiles, that they too have feelings just like everyone else. strange but true. so for today, uncle blood will share with you, tips for everyday living, on the real truth about fatty sissies. sit back, unclench that member, unclench that piece (ring) and read on ...

(a) fatty sissies have names - strange as it may sound, fatty sissies do actually have names apart from 'hey-you-fatty-sissy!'. some of them may even still have parents who have not abandoned them, left the state and changed their own names, address and undergo face transplant. the names may vary, of course. some are called gary, some are called keong, some are called abu, and of some are called wendy. a guy called wendy is not that strange when you think about it. in fact, it can be pleasing and amusing given a near death experience. so yes, fatty sissies do have names, so if you happen to be cornered by one, one dark day, instead of running away breathless with fear, just stay awhile, breath in deep and ask in a clear manner 'what is your name fatty sissy?'. they will glow with the appreciation of their individualism.

(b) fatty sissies have dreams - impossible as it sounds, fatty sissies also have dreams. and i'm not talking about the kind of dreams you'd normally associate with fatty sissies such as being the winner of a beauty and cake eating contests. no, they too have aspiration, they too desire a life of beauty and tolerance and occassional sex without the need for overhead crane harness. they too have HOPES and FEARS. so the next time a fatty sissy starts to talk about their dreams, listen, because you may learn something. or not. it doesnt matter. the only thing that matters is that they dont accidentally trip and fall on you. heavily perfumed fatty sissies all wet and sticking falling on you is not very nice and comfortable.

(c) fatty sissies do want to lose weight - no, its true. not all fatty sissies deliberately choose to be fat and effiminate. yes, some of them even want to be thin and not sissy-like. like james bond. (okay, hahaha. that was a joke. i was only kidding). yes, fatty sissies have made some attempts to not eat that much because by eating alot, and wearing see-through shirts does by category, make them fatty sissies. so if you do see a fatty sissy running about anywhere, they are not chasing you or your loved ones, but may in fact, be trying to JOG. i know the oxymoron boggles the mind, but not everything is impossible!

(d) fatty sissies need love too - your eyes do not deceive you. it is true. fatty sissies with french lace collars too, want to have someone to love. and, yes, someone who loves them back. without the need of a threatening garden tool and a large amount of money. because, unusual as it sounds, fatty sissies too would like to explore the mysterious landscape that is DESIRE and maybe, if they're belly can be tucked in (somehow), the joys of SEX. i have even seen documentaries on this where the documentator openly admitted that he has had a conversation with a close friend of a fatty sissy that they need a GIRLFRIEND.

relevant, how to remain

Mon, 20 Nov 2006 07:43:28 GMT

old people, like cheese and fatty-baldies, still have a reason for existence. small and sometimes wit-based, they too are relevant in the tiny universe that is their life. so if you happen to be down in the dumps and you need that special pick-me-up-squeeze-me-hard-and-jiggle-me-up-and-down-in-a-pull-up-pull-down-motion-until-i-scream-in-pleasure-or-pass-out-from-lack-of-oxygen, then you need to be reminded that shit yes, YOU ARE RELEVANT. even if you really are not. but thats besides the point. if only because, like uncle blood here always like to remind the less inclined, you are only if you are, even though you may not. so here goes, tips on everyday living on how to remain relevant:

(a) for the bosomy-man-tit-jiggling masses: you are relevant if you give people pleasure. and of course, we all know that laughter IS a form of pleasure. so pick up that white board marker, draw circles around your jiggly man-tits (giving the impression they are EYES), draw a clown-like 'cute' nose below the said man-tit 'EYES', and draw a gaping mouth SURROUNDING your inverted belly button. of course remember always to dig out all the muck from said navel as the spilling of much during your 'relevance period' is a clinically wrong thing to be imposed on the unsuspecting public. once you're all done, walk down a busy street (on coming traffic would be wonderful) strip off your shirt (or man-blouse) and start gyrating, jiggling and clasping the darkish pointy portion of your man-tit (aka as AURIOLES) and twiddle it between thumb and forefinger. laughter should ensue, if not attempted vehicular-homicide, i.e. death by being run over by cars.

(b) for the baldy masses: you are relevant if you provide safety-hazard services to the general public. ever had the urge to urinate in public but was too shy to ask people because you're a faltering, pimply-faced, protruding-front tooth sissy-boy with a name like boboy or fifi, then you would need someone to 'TELL' you without actually 'TELLING' you. how is this possible? how can this be done? and how does it involve shiny baldy slap heads? simple take a whiteboard market and carefully draw an arrow (either pointing left or right, depending where you stand and face)on the generous portion of your bald spot (it helps if it is big and wide then your arrow can be three-dimensional) with the words "TOILET" beneath it. this will alert the masses on the whereabouts of the nearest loo. of course, you have to keep still and not move about. especially if you happen to be fat and ungainly and slightly effiminate, as that would be funny, but scary at the same time.

(c) for the chronically hairy butthole'd: of course some of you will think 'how is this possible? how can a chronically hairy butthole'd person ever be helpful in this day and age? doesnt he / she knows such a thing as garden shears? or even sulfuric acid?' aha. this is where you are dead wrong. chronically hairy butthole'd people can be relevant if they know how. which is this: remember how unpleasant if can be to be driving along one day when suddenly on the road you see not one line disecting the road between coming and going, but TWO lines because some street planner was too lazy to clean off the earlier street lines? now that can be erased literally with the chronically hairy butthole'd - slap some thinner between the butt, and get the CHB guy to rub his CHB along the street thereby effectively erasing the earlier street lines. all will be happy. all will then drive easily. thanks to the CHB (chronically hairy butthole'd) who is still relevant.

Pimples, Keeping Your Bum Free From

Mon, 12 Jun 2006 17:37:27 GMT

Every once in a while we have this urge to clean up after ourselves and really find out what life as a hygenic sissy is all about. Because hey, its always fascinating to know how the other half lives, thats what i always say (unless of course if the hygenic sissy sidles up to me and starts getting ideas about speaking in low lisping manner). One of the major so-called "unhygenic area" on our body is of course, our bum, or to put it in a girly manner, our "buttock". now why is our "buttock" an area deemed unhygenic? Two simple reasons: firstly, it is the source of our shite, or to put it in another girly way, our poo; and secondly, we sit on our buttock the whole day and we all know that bacteria can permeate through cloth, wriggling they way up into our buttock area. So it makes complete sense why the first area of hygene therapy we should focus on is our buttock. "But why Blood, why ONLY the buttock? Some of you are whining, "why not the ear? Or the nose? Or the eyeball?" Well for starters, cleaning your ear or your nose or your eyeball doesnt leave much to add on, in terms of putting down fat, bald and sissy men now does it? no it doesnt ... so sit up straight younglins because today uncle Blood is about to impart everyday tips on how to keep pimples off your bum ...

(a) Night time care - the first thing you should do before you go to sleep is to ensure that the environment of your sleeping qu

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Thu, 09 Feb 2006 09:07:02 GMT

Fingers, Having Fun With

fucknabit, my last entry was in August 2005! bloody hell what have been doing and who have i been doing it with all this while? its all a blurryrush somewhere in this mottled coconut called my skull ... last thing i remember was being hit repeated on the head with a pair of rubber bongos. i dont even know what a pair of rubber bongos look like. maybe like fake pairs of breasts made of rubber. i think. or were they real breasts? hmm.

todays tip on everyday living dear pretty creatures is how to have pant-soaking fun with your fingers. your fingers, thats right, not your lingam, not your punani, not your bulbous nose but your fingers. thats right, them wiggly things (all ten of them) at the end of each hand. (hand, as in the extended unit of your arm. thats right, the one attached to your shoulders. uh-huh. right next to your neck. okay, thats right, the one which holds up your head. got it? good) ready? okay lets go:

(a) for amusement - spice up your love life by impressing the g-strings off your loved one by playing "little dancing men". simply paint black shoe-like things on the tip of your fingers (i.e. on the nail) on your index finger (the one you pick your nose with) and your middle finger (the one you flip at unsuspecting old age pensioners). proceed to make your fingers dance like a pair of feet with no body above. your lovely lady will shriek in astonishment and delight. soon you will be making love. and then you will have sex with her.

(b) for emergency - about to be attacked by a rabid maniac on the loose from the local district psychiatric asylum? fear not! simply extend both index and middle finger, and upon being attacked by said maniac poke mad assailant's eyes with said extended fingers. then proceed to wriggel both fingers until squishy sounds are heard. of course, this is provided the assailant does not scream out in pain, otherwise, you will not be able to hear said squishy sounds.

(c) for love - going to be apart from your loved one? scared that he / she may be seeing others behind your back? well fear no more! with the help of two fingers (thats right, your good ole' buddy middle finger and index finger) you will ensure the love of your life stays true to you! simply use them in a strange and wiggly manner in front of your eyes, proceed to hypnotize your loved one by going "woooooo - wooooo - you are getting sleepy ... you will obey my every wish ... woooo - wooooo" with your fingers. pretty soon he / she will fall asleep and then will fall within your spell. tell them in their hypnotized state that they are without genitals. and that they belong to you and you alone. and that they will kick, punch and poke the eyes out of anybody who tries to pick them up, flirt with them and / or make really funny jokes.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Tue, 30 Aug 2005 05:16:29 GMT

True Love, Finding

When we speak of fat and bald people with sloping jiggly hairy mantits, we giggle. When we speak of fat and bald people with sloping jiggly hairy mantits attempts at finding true love, we gape in silent awe. We immediately say to ourselves: "How can that be? Love? Fat and bald? With hairy jiggly mantits? It does not compute. It does not make sense. I'm scared. Please hold me." But it does not have to be that way. No. Fat people need love too. Even bald ones. Regardless of whether or not their sloping mantits are hairy, hairless or just plain darkish pink with an inverted nipple. We need to move beyond our personal prejudices and openly say to ourselves and to people within earshot: "Don't Hate Fat People Because they Make You Feel Uncomfortable and Disturbed! They too, need love! They too feel love!" Aha, "but how, Blood," some of you are whispering, "how can this be? They make me go super wiggly at the knees. Even though wiggly knees arouse me." Fear not. Brother Blood is here to show you such sights ... such tips on everyday living on how to find true love in this turbulant world of ours.

(a)

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Tue, 26 Jul 2005 08:31:58 GMT

Weapons of Attracting Beautiful Women, Using Thick Volumous Armpit Hair as

Admittedly, good looks and money makes a man very desirable to beautiful, sexy, bosomy and bottomy women. How can it not? Not only are you good looking with a large appendage, but you have money to flaunt it around with and as we are all too well aware of, women like only two things, good looking men and money. However, not all men are good looking and have lots of money. And of couse, not all women like good looking men with large appendage and an even larger wallet (filled with money, of course). But we're not interested in those kind of women because naturally they are not good looking themselves smelling heavily of dried saliva and armpit sweat and have large protruding gaping teeth and most likely be fat as well. But what if, you, a man, are not good looking, have a small package and barely make enough to meet your chronic porn dependency? Can you pull in quality wool? Can you attract sterling quim? Can you magnetize fine muff? No, No, and No. Unless of course ... "Unless of course what Blood," some of you are crying together in unison in a fatty sissy fatty sissy boy manner, "tell us how fat, unattractive, sissy men like us with no money can attract beautiful women. We need to know Blood! Please tell us!" Well of course I will, dear fatties sissies ... simply read the following tips on everyday living on how to use YOUR armpit hair as TOOLS OF ATTRACTION of the opposite sex ... soon you too will be pulling them like nobody's business ...

(a) Love: You're in love with the beautiful woman from licensing and yet you do not have the looks, courage nor the money to attract her. But you do have large volumous armpit hair. What can you do? Well, firstly, do not ever, ever wear sleeveless tees on a hot day. Secondly, comb your armpit hair until it loses its crinkly, curly-wurliness and becomes straight and silky. This may take several months, as wet, slippery and curly armpit hair are tough as leather and prone to catching on fire. Not many fire brigade officers are prepared to put out armpit fire hazard, for obvious reasons, of course. Once this is done, proceed to let it just hang down both your armpits right down all the way to your shirt tail. Now untuck your shirt, arms akimbo, and sway, slide, glide to your lady love ... at first she will be perplexed by the mysterious hair coming out from the ends of your shirt, soon, perplexity will turn to love as she will decide that hey, this guy is pretty interesting. I may want to have intimate genital knowledge of him. Ah. And, voila! Love is born!

(b) Anger - it is normal to be feel frustrated and angry when you don't have the natural good looks of famous hollywood stars to attract the beautiful, buxomous waitress at your local coffee haunt. She may smile politely at you, just in case you might actually spend your money on a little more than a cup of joe, but she will never want to do the nasty with you on a hot, bright sunny day; she will never whisper hot sump'in-sump'in in your ear as your flabby, highly sensitive body quiver and tremble is estatic delight. Unless of course, if you allow the magic of thick volumous armpit hair to do the attracting for you. How is this possible? Easy. Again, like item (a) above, comb your armpit hair until it becomes long and silky. Next, wear short sleeved shirt (checkered, if possible, as checkered shirts make fat flabby men "interesting" looking. Avoid wearing a bow tie, as this will make fat flabby men "interesting" but "comical" and "disturbing") and allow your long silken armpit hair to just roll down your sides. As the beautiful saucy wench with a kind heart approaches your table with your cup of coffee, accidentally allow your armpit hair to "fall" into the cup of said coffee. Act surprised, angry (at the situation, not her), frustrated and concerned and then say in an earnest whisper "Oh How I Have Shocked Delightful Young Lady. Pray Give Me Your Name So I Can Mend Your Shocked Heart ..." Naturally she will be taken in by your style of speech and your pretty long, silken armpit hair. Love will blossom and soon you will be making little cute flabby babies. Of course by then it is advisable that you cut your armpit hair. Babies have been known to pull and tug at them.

(c) Public Display of Affection - You're walking one fine day with your arms akimbo due to the volumous amount of thick armpit hair when a strong breeze blows open your unbuttoned hawaiian shirt thereby causing passer bys to see your large volumous armpit hair. Some will smile knowingly, others will frown with confusion and some will choose to look away. And in the distance, a beautiful woman walks by. What can you do? What should you do? And who should you do it to? Instead of just standing there half naked with the whole world to witness your flabby hairy belly and your sagging sloping mantits and your flying armpit bush, rush up to that beautiful woman, stop a moment to catch your breath and then tell her, "I Love You." She will look up at you in shock, amazement and several seconds later, with fondness. Love will grow. And who knows, she may even want to sport equally large volumous armpit hair herself and mingle it with yours as you squirm, squeeze and wrestle in hot butter in the middle of a hot humid night.

(d) Mystery - apart from good looks and money, beautiful women are also deeply attracted to mysterious things; they appreciate the big unknown as well as anything big and pendulous. So instead of just letting life pass you by like a fast train through an empty parking lot in the middle of the desert, why not utilize your volumous armpit hair to do the "mysteriosing" for you thereby attracting beautiful large breasted women. This time around, do not comb your large volumous armpit hair into long silken hair, instead, fluff it up until it resembles two large hairy basketballs under your armpits. Wear large roomy sweaters and walk around with both your arms held midway up. As you approach your lady love, she will be intrigued by the position of your arms and the shape of two basketballs under your arms. Too shy to directly ask you what they are, she will blush, look away and stutter before she foolishly ask you the time. Instead of looking at your wrist watch, simply dig deep into your armpit hair and pull out a clock, look directly at it and inform the beautiful lady the time. She will be stunned, but amused by your ingenuity and individualism and will soon be interested in getting to know you better. She will soon learn to love you. And you will be a happy, fatty man.

Sunday, July 03, 2005

Sun, 03 Jul 2005 08:04:53 GMT

Self-Defence, Utilizing your Genitals as Mode of

Once in a while, you find yourself in a predicament: there you are naked in the shower in a general public gymnasium soaping your genitalia in a slow yet industrious manner when an assailant decides to come a calling. What can you do in this thought-numbing situation? Continue soaping yourself down there because it feels so good? Or, prepare to defend yourself and your money hidden in the locker, but you can't because you are butt naked, hence the predicament. A recent survey from the small town of Pencil Nova Scotia conducted by the University of Thumbria, revealed that most often then than not, self-soaping individuals would feign sudden amnesiac lost of control and collapse to the ground so as to allow the would assailant to simply go in the locker room past the shower and steal whatever he finds. Though life-saving, this is an act of sissyness cowardice normally found amongst small genitaled flimsy wristed, sloping mantit'd fatty nancy boys. Word would go around and pretty soon, such people will not only detest them for their nanciness, but also because nancy-boys are known to to be lonely, apologetic serious masturbators. And everyone knows that serious masturbators are not to be trusted because their hands are all soft and creepy like, and most often than not, slippery and clammy and at times, crusty. So instead of walking down that particular route, why not learn to defend yourself whilst naked, AND by USING YOUR GENITALS AS WEAPONS OF SELF DEFENCE. How? Some of you are saying in a soft, womanly voice, how blood? How do I do that and still retain my genitals? Aha ... this is where you need to read the following tips on everyday living on how to utilize your genitals as weapons of self defence ... read on young grasshopping hopper ...

(a) Shower Room Attack: you're busily and vigorously soaping your woody when three heavily armed assailants bursts into the shower room demanding your money. Instead of acting surprised and falling to the floor to feign a minor heart attack to avoid being hit in the face and head, place both hands on your hips and confidently face your assailants. Say in a loud and authoritative manner "I say! What the devil are you people playing at? Can't you see I'm soaping my genitalias? Can't a man have his privacy? Now out! Out I say before I get really cross!!" Of course, you need to say this in a British sissy like manner showing that you really mean business. 7 out of 10 assailants would feel embarrassed by the whole situation and proceed to apologise and leave you and your belongings. However, if the remaining 3 out 10 are not susceptible to such threats, then you may have to get physical. With boths fist resting on your hips, proceed to lean your middle body forward thereby pronouncing your soap covered woody. Make hissing sounds and say in a mysterious eastern accent "Oh lookit dat, you have indeed avakened da snake ... da snake iz veeeery angry atchu ... " when the assailants turn their focus on your genitals, quickly grab the soap and fling it the face of assailant number one, the soap sting will render him helpless. For assailant number two, advance towards him whilst jiggling your genitals in a threatening manner, when you are close enough and within striking distance side wipe him with your previously trained jujitsu martial arts side kick and drop him to the ground. For assailant number three, make two fists with both thumbs protruding out and proceed to poke them in his eyes. The sharp sudden poke and the sting of the soap will also render him helpless. Once all three assailants are down, run out, dry yourself, put some clothes on, open your locker, get all your stuff and proceed to run out to the gymnasium shouting for help. But in a manly manner. Not sissy-like manner. You will win!

(b) Toilet Terror! This can happen to ANYONE! So read carefully ... there you are, reading the latest copy of "Hello" in a focused and sober manner, occassionally applying pressure to release dollops of poo into the bowl when suddenly the toilet door is kicked open and in runs a heavily armed assailant. What the bloody hell should you do? Firstly, you do not cry with large drops of tears as this will cause the assailant to want to bitch slap you and pistol whip you as crying fat man with sloping mantits shitting and crying can be very annoying least of all distracting. No, what you should do instead is quickly stand up, roll up the "Hello" magazine and quickly slide it up your butt crack right between the meat of the cheeks with the tip of the rolled up "Hello" magazine. Then hold up the "soiled" end of the magazine and threaten the assailant that you will wipe it on his face if he doesn't leave you alone. 9 out of 10 assailants would comply. But should you come across the 1 out of 10 assailants who are tough as nails and will not comply, proceed to apply your jujitsu side wipe kick and knock him to the ground with your feet. Once he is down, quickly dispose of the soiled "Hello" magazine, wash yourself up, then dry your self, slip on your underwear and then your pants, and quickly exit the toilet. Don't forget to put on your shoes, if you're the type to take a shit completely naked.

(c) Naked in an Airplane Toilet: There you are, all nervous about meeting your beautiful girlfriend's parents for the first time and you need to change into something "agreeable" as the plane is about to land so you decide to change in the small toilet on the plane. As you stand there naked the door is roughly pushed open and in barges an assailant. What can you do? The plane is about to land and you have to return to your seat but you can't because you're naked and theres this assailant about to rob you of your money. What the bloody hell can you do?! Instead of just standing there with your mouth open like some drooling naked imbecile, raise both arms up as if surrendering to his demands for your money and when he sees you are compliant and thereby relaxes a little, drop both arms with your knotted fist on his shoulders as hard as you can and knee him in the nuts. This double drop balls masher move wins all the time! Once the assailant is unconscious, quickly put on your clothes, your shoes and exit the toilet area. The assailant will then be in trouble because he will be in the toilet as the plane is landing. The sissy head steward will chide him and make him feel really bad. He will do this is a sissy and lispy manner.

(d) Public Urinal: You have an urgent need to urinate and so you enter a public urinal. As you are in the midst of relieving yourself and assailant sidles up to you and demands for money. What can you do? You are still in the middle of urinating and both your hands are busily holding on to your genitals so you can't do much. What you should instead is tell him to wait awhile until you are finished and then you promise to give him your money. Once you are done pissing, shake it a little to let the small drops fall off, place your tool in the pocket of your y-fronts, proceed to zip up and then turn to face your assailants. As you reach to the back of your pocket to retrieve your wallet, make your hand into a fist and say to the assailant, "Here it is take this!" And instead of giving him your wallet you would have instead be giving him your fist! He will be surprised, a little disappointed and feeling cheated, and will now be punched in the face! Now quickly run away. Try not to slip on the slippering tiles of the public toilet.